The Struggle

Before I start, I must say that I’m alright… alright in the sense that I’m better than 6 months ago. Until now, I’ve been pure ashamed and embarrassed to come right out and say, “My husband left us for another woman.” I’m sure this happens more than we wish to think and I know I’m not the only one in this same struggle right now.

It just doesn’t seem fair that he gets to move her into his bed (at his mother’s home, at that) and gets to be happy with that while I’m here in an almost empty home with our two-and-a-half year old daughter. As much as I begged and pleaded with him in the beginning of the end to stay to work it out and pave a path to forgiveness, he was just not willing. He gave me reasons such as I was a lazy woman, that I didn’t keep a spotless house, that I never wanted to go out and do anything, that I refused to learn to drive his manual transmission Jeep, and that he hated coming home and having responsibilities. While I don’t claim that he is entirely at fault for the failure of our relationship, there were choices made on his end that just didn’t have to happen.

So, now I lay in bed alone most nights and think about what in the world is so wrong with me to cause this. I know good and well that there was nothing about me that made him go out and find another woman, but that doesn’t stop your brain from thinking in circles. Maybe if I had done this or hadn’t done that… just maybe… then you realize there was nothing you could have done differently. He meet her, fell into temptation (with at least once being in our own bed), and enjoyed it so much he decided to leave a loyal and devoted family to be with her. All the sneaking around, the leaving for work early and getting home really late from work, mystery food purchases at sit-down restaurants, explosive arguments over nothing, sudden attention to personal hygiene, going to the bar to drink socially with co-workers, some nights not coming home at all… all started to make sense once he finally admitted having an affair.

It was like a burning, ripping fire that consumed my heart once he finally came out and said it. There’s nothing to describe it. You literally can’t breathe, you can’t even cry, your body just automatically implodes upon itself and you ball up on the floor as he stands over you emotionless… you’re in complete shock even though you had suspicion. That woman’s intuition.

And then as the days go by, the questions come.

“Where did Da-da go?”

“Is Da-da at work?”

“There’s a red Jeep like Da-da’s! Da-da?”

And you try super hard not to start to hate love. You fall on your face to pray at the church altar, in the shower, in the truck driving some place, even in your Grandpa Bill’s callused hands and just can’t even find the words to pray.

Then comes Valentine’s Day and you get flowers. What an insult. Then, just 3 days later, a notification of a civil suit for division of assets for separation and divorce. Restraining Orders, Domestic Violence issues, Court, lawyers. Then, also child custody issues. Who gets her what days and at what time and where to meet to exchange the child like she’s a possession instead of a person. You worry that this other woman is teaching her to call her “mama” when the child is with them, along with a long list of other concerns. Such as, what if your child gets attached to this woman and then she leaves? 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so over this man. I was betrayed by him and his family, who I believe knew about her well before I did and didn’t bother to tell me. And he’s still wearing his wedding band and making people believe that I’m the reason why he left. I’m not a bitter woman, really I’m not. Just very, very hurt. Especially when he was your first and only love. I don’t hate him either, but boy have I learned from this. When I look at his face, I feel nothing. He’s a complete stranger to me.

I know God has my person out there for me, getting him ready for me and getting me ready for him. Until then, I need to chill out and be patient. But, I’m SO ready for him, like right now. I’m not being very patient. However, I’m trusting God’s timing for He knows the plans He has for me.  “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Psalm 40:1-2

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THANK YOU, LORD for this experience. I praise You because You know the plans you have for me and my daughter. I thank you for your loving hand on our situation. Dear Father, today was one of those days – You know the ones. When life just doesn’t make sense. When the world seems so unfair. I need you, I need you. I need you to wrap your arms around me and help me understand that it is a good thing that I don’t understand everything. How can my human mind possibly comprehend Your perfect plan? You are God. I am not. You spoke this world into existence and shaped humans from the dust. Only you can create beauty from the ashes. Prepare me to be a Godly wife to the person you have just for me. Help me anticipate the perfect work of Your hands to transform my nothing into Your everything. Amen.

 

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